I was watching a hockey game last week and I noticed something that I have never noticed before. There were players for both team, but especially the home team when in the defensive zone would be "falling" down every time an opposing player would take a shot. It is not because these players are bad skaters, because they are professional skaters and most of them can skate better backwards better than the average person can skate forward. What they were doing was either blocking or attempting to block shots of the opposing team so the puck does not get to the goaltender and have the possibility of getting past him. Blocked shots are an actual stat that is kept by hockey teams on various levels of play. In essence, the players are sacrificing themselves to be hit by a hard piece of rubber so that they might have a better chance of winning. It is really hard for the puck to go in when it doesn't make it to the net.
This has gotten me thinking over the last week about this idea of sacrifice and friendship. We tend to be people of gluttony, it doesn't matter if it is with food, time, money, possessions and even friendships. Most of us want the most friends with the most benefits with giving up the least amount of work. This is a vary dangerous path and the opposite is true to. What are we willing to do to make things happen. I understand that we tend to over use the word sacrifice in a variety of venues, but where do we go from talking about sacrifice to implementing it. Sacrifice has the implication of it costing us something, or the giving up of something to gain something else. The common Bible verse that keeps coming to mind is found in John 15, which is greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends. The question is, what are we willing to do for our friends to build healthy boundaries and have healthy friendships. What are will willing to give up to make the friendship work. I think there are times where we are to willing to chuck people underneath the bus to make things work for us. Here are some ideas that I have been wrestling with.
The first realization is that we all have friends that are in different life situations, and this does not make them a better or worse person. I am still working through this and don't have all the answers. With me approaching my mid thirties and still single, I am in a different boat than some of my friends, because they are married and have children. This means that long phone calls and late night Applebees outings are few and far between. Priorities are different and to be honest there are things that they go through on a day to day basis that I have no understanding of. It doesn't mean that I am not as smart, it just means that their experience is different. Sometimes just embracing those differences and unknown things makes for a better friendship. Also, embracing the children and parenthood is key to this friendship, no matter if the kids are cute and fun or screaming and throwing a tantrum for no apparent reason.
The second realization is that we all have friends who either come around when they need something, or they are needy and are always needing something. These are the friends who always seem to be taking and not much is giving back. I have seen enough rants on social media to know that it drives people crazy when this happens. So here is my piece of advice, don't be that person. Most likely we are that needy person to someone. I am not saying we can not ask for help or we going through a difficult season of life where we do are share of taking. This is apart of life, but when it becomes our character, something is wrong. This is where we start to see people not as people, but as an avenue to get things done. We are essentially running them over so our needs can be met. This is where healthy boundaries need to be set and if you are that needy person, quit it and apologize for it.
The third and most important thing about sacrifice and friendship is accountability. It is something as Americans we are not fond of, especially us guys. We would rather say everything is ok and move on. Are we willing to stick around and not only ask the tough questions, but are we willing to stick around to share and hear those answers. I think one of the biggest sacrifices we can make with each other is being honest with each other. We often just want to hear the good stuff and not the bad and where we need to change. This style of friendship means that we are journeying through this life together and not holding each other higher or lower than we should, but though the eyes of Christ. Essentially it is remembering that we are all equal at the foot of the cross.
Back to the hockey analogy. One of the signs of a good team that is headed in the right direction is that they are diving for loose pucks, blocking shots for their goaltender, playing fundamentally sound and they do not care who gets the credit, because everyone is carrying their fair share. €
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Suckingt up can be...
I have come across a realization about myself recently and for those of you who know me, it is a no brainer. I realized that I am a suck up, and the people I work with often joke about it with me. They call me a brownnoser or other terms and there are some lessons that I have learned about being a suck up. This has been a character trait in me for years, and I was even voted as a suck up by my fellow classmates as a senior. Even though I think I am coming across as being nice or building other people up, it has some ugly consequences.
The first ugly truth is that being a suck up is that you tend to see people as what they can do for you and not who they are. The only reason they are in your circle is because they provide something for you. Whether it is a providing a listening ear, pawning activities or work on them, or using something of theirs that we can't or wont do for ourselves. In this relationship, it is all about taking, and there isn't much giving back or gratitude. If there is gratitude its because they feel guilty and it is half hearted. I constantly see people complaining on Facebook about friends who only come around when they need something and never give anything in return. This is a classic suck up move. In the suck up world it is all about me and my needs.
The second ugly truth about being a suck up is that we never have an opinion of our own because we want everyone to be happy. We want everyone happy with us, just in case we need something, and we often don't confront issues because it might make people mad or we might loose a friendship. This often leads to shallow relationships and a shallow personality. We are to busy caring what other people think to work on our own issues or to develop any sort of opinion. In the world of a suck up, disagreements are bad and we avoid them at all cost. This often keeps other people at arms length and we have no solid relationships.
The third ugly truth about being a suck up is that we feel that we are never good enough. Another classic suck up move is that we are always being nice to people and doing things for them because we feel that we are not good enough. I think this comes down to that we find our self worth in what we do instead of who we are. Guys especially fall into this trap because we often find our identity in what we do. If we feel that we are not good enough, we try and do things to make other people happy. It could make us down right miserable, but if it makes the other person happy and that I can stay in their good graces, it doesn't really matter. It is something that I have to do. Often these things are missing the mark because we are not listening to other people and hearing what they want or what their needs are. Its about what I can do and not what they need.
The fourth ugly truth about being a suck up is that we elevate people higher to what they really are. In other words, we give people a god like status and everything we do or say revolves around what they do. We hindge on their every word and we would do anything for them to keep them on that pedestal. The opposite is true to. We are willing to kick anybody down because we view them as a worthless piece of garbage. We would do or say anything to keep them down and degrade them. These two ideas often come unintentional, and we don't know when we do it. Then there are other times where we know where we are being a jerk and we don't care and it gives us satisfaction doing it.
There are more ugly truths about being a suck up, but here are some solutions to overcome the suck up disease. The first one is realize that people are people and that people are not things. We need to stop using people for our guilty pleasures and to get what we want all the time. It is seeing them more than just what they do, but realizing that they are a person created in the image of God. Often how we treat others is a direct correlation how we relate to God. We need to realize that people are not pawns that they are fearfully and wonderfully made and not pawns in a chess game.
The second realization is that we need to be honest with others, God and ourselves. We have to be honest with God and others. Being a suck up often revolves around lies that we believe about ourselves and others and we need to stop doing this. We need to dive into the truth of Scripture to find out what it says and then to start applying it. When we do this, we can actually start being truthful with ourselves we can be truthful with others. Sometimes being honest with ourselves is the hardest part, because it focuses us to examine ourselves and to deal with both the good and bad. This is the only way we can see things clearly. This also means we need a few people in our lives to be honest with us. We all need an AJ Pierzynski in our lives. For those of you who don't know who he is, he is a baseball player who can come across as a jerk. He isn't afraid to get into peoples faces or to pick a fight. He often states what he thinks and is rather blunt about it. But heres the thing, every teammate of his has said that he is a great guy and one of the most loyal people out there. We all need someone who isn't afraid to get in our face, say what they think and to be extremely loyal.
The final truth we need to hear is that we can never ever work for peoples approval, and if we could, those relationships are not worth having, because we will always be one step behind. We need to love ourselves and others not for what we can do, but who we are. Yeah sure in every relationship we do things for each other, but it is getting to the point that those actions are because we want to, and not letting those actions define who we are. It is realizing that not only am I a person, but I have value not in what I do but who I am. Value doesn't come down to its usefulness or the price tag on it. Ultimately it comes down to, what someone is willing to pay for it. Our lives have great value because not only are we created in the image of the Creator, but He also sent His only Son as ransom for us, so this means our worth is not in our eyes but His. In other words, our worth is not found in what we can do, but what Christ does in us and through us. In closing we all got a little bit of kiss ass in all of us and lets knock it off.
The first ugly truth is that being a suck up is that you tend to see people as what they can do for you and not who they are. The only reason they are in your circle is because they provide something for you. Whether it is a providing a listening ear, pawning activities or work on them, or using something of theirs that we can't or wont do for ourselves. In this relationship, it is all about taking, and there isn't much giving back or gratitude. If there is gratitude its because they feel guilty and it is half hearted. I constantly see people complaining on Facebook about friends who only come around when they need something and never give anything in return. This is a classic suck up move. In the suck up world it is all about me and my needs.
The second ugly truth about being a suck up is that we never have an opinion of our own because we want everyone to be happy. We want everyone happy with us, just in case we need something, and we often don't confront issues because it might make people mad or we might loose a friendship. This often leads to shallow relationships and a shallow personality. We are to busy caring what other people think to work on our own issues or to develop any sort of opinion. In the world of a suck up, disagreements are bad and we avoid them at all cost. This often keeps other people at arms length and we have no solid relationships.
The third ugly truth about being a suck up is that we feel that we are never good enough. Another classic suck up move is that we are always being nice to people and doing things for them because we feel that we are not good enough. I think this comes down to that we find our self worth in what we do instead of who we are. Guys especially fall into this trap because we often find our identity in what we do. If we feel that we are not good enough, we try and do things to make other people happy. It could make us down right miserable, but if it makes the other person happy and that I can stay in their good graces, it doesn't really matter. It is something that I have to do. Often these things are missing the mark because we are not listening to other people and hearing what they want or what their needs are. Its about what I can do and not what they need.
The fourth ugly truth about being a suck up is that we elevate people higher to what they really are. In other words, we give people a god like status and everything we do or say revolves around what they do. We hindge on their every word and we would do anything for them to keep them on that pedestal. The opposite is true to. We are willing to kick anybody down because we view them as a worthless piece of garbage. We would do or say anything to keep them down and degrade them. These two ideas often come unintentional, and we don't know when we do it. Then there are other times where we know where we are being a jerk and we don't care and it gives us satisfaction doing it.
There are more ugly truths about being a suck up, but here are some solutions to overcome the suck up disease. The first one is realize that people are people and that people are not things. We need to stop using people for our guilty pleasures and to get what we want all the time. It is seeing them more than just what they do, but realizing that they are a person created in the image of God. Often how we treat others is a direct correlation how we relate to God. We need to realize that people are not pawns that they are fearfully and wonderfully made and not pawns in a chess game.
The second realization is that we need to be honest with others, God and ourselves. We have to be honest with God and others. Being a suck up often revolves around lies that we believe about ourselves and others and we need to stop doing this. We need to dive into the truth of Scripture to find out what it says and then to start applying it. When we do this, we can actually start being truthful with ourselves we can be truthful with others. Sometimes being honest with ourselves is the hardest part, because it focuses us to examine ourselves and to deal with both the good and bad. This is the only way we can see things clearly. This also means we need a few people in our lives to be honest with us. We all need an AJ Pierzynski in our lives. For those of you who don't know who he is, he is a baseball player who can come across as a jerk. He isn't afraid to get into peoples faces or to pick a fight. He often states what he thinks and is rather blunt about it. But heres the thing, every teammate of his has said that he is a great guy and one of the most loyal people out there. We all need someone who isn't afraid to get in our face, say what they think and to be extremely loyal.
The final truth we need to hear is that we can never ever work for peoples approval, and if we could, those relationships are not worth having, because we will always be one step behind. We need to love ourselves and others not for what we can do, but who we are. Yeah sure in every relationship we do things for each other, but it is getting to the point that those actions are because we want to, and not letting those actions define who we are. It is realizing that not only am I a person, but I have value not in what I do but who I am. Value doesn't come down to its usefulness or the price tag on it. Ultimately it comes down to, what someone is willing to pay for it. Our lives have great value because not only are we created in the image of the Creator, but He also sent His only Son as ransom for us, so this means our worth is not in our eyes but His. In other words, our worth is not found in what we can do, but what Christ does in us and through us. In closing we all got a little bit of kiss ass in all of us and lets knock it off.
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