Grief

Grief-A deep sorrow, especially caused by someone’s death

¹⁴ But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. ¹⁴ For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁵ For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷ Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. ¹⁸ Therefore encourage one another with these words.

I Thessalonians 4:14-18

            One of the biggest stories of the baseball season so far is the unexpected death of the player Tyler Skaggs.  It sent shock waves across the baseball community and it was national news.  One of the things this story did is bring grief back into the national spotlight and how people and teams deal with it, especially when it is unexpected.  One of the cool things that the Anaheim Angles did in their home game after Tyler’s death was turn it into a memorial service not only for the team, and the fans, but it was a way to rally around Tyler’s family in time of grief.  Tyler’s mom threw out the first pitch, the team wore Tyler’s number and the pitching staff combined to throw a no hitter.  The coolest part about the night was when the players went out to the pitching mound after the game and placed their jersey’s on the mound and took a team picture. Tyler’s unexpected death has gotten me thinking about grief a lot lately and here are some things I have been working through.

            The first thing I have come to realize is that grief is messy.  I wish grief could be settled by a good cry, a strong hug and a couple pictures of cute puppies.  Unfortunately, grief does not work this way.  As I have listened to stories of parents who have lost children, grief is messy and it gets ugly.  There are good days, and then there are days where they just want to shut down and cry because their grief causes so much pain and hurt.  I think what makes grief so messy, is that we are confronted with a wide range of emotions, such as anger, bitterness, sadness, and depression. The messiness comes in because we can not keep those emotions in check and they tend to spill out into our every day life those emotions messes with said life.

            Another thing I have learned, grieving online can be really messy and down right hateful, especially when someone famous dies.  Doing things online and through social media can be helpful, but it can also add fuel to a very destructive fire.  Earlier this year when the progressive Christian blogger and writer Rachel Held Evans died from a sickness, the internet trolls came out to play.  There were the people who loved her and her theology, and others who despised her theology and it seemed like those two camps were sparring with each other and it got ugly and plenty of names were called.  We tend to only see people for either their issue or for what they stand for or against and not as people, this is a very dangerous place to live.  This leads us to treating each other as avatars and the things we do and or say we think that we shouldn’t have to have consequences for. When we do this, we tend to forget to look in the mirror and account for our won actions, thoughts, struggles and actions.  If we believe in the Bible and that it is true, we all are created in Gods image and God called His creation good.

            My second observation is that we should never ever grieve alone.  I know there are many ways to grieve, but doing it alone should not be one of them.  This does not mean that we should be in the town square in sack cloth and ashes, but grieving with others is essential.  When the Angles found out the death of their teammate, they gathered together, shared stories, vented, and shed a lot of tears.  Whether you do this with others who have the same shared grief or you find a person or a group of people to journey with through this time is essential.  There are times when can share their feelings and thoughts along with being able to sit in silence with someone.  I know there are times where I really didn’t want to talk, and yet I wasn’t comfortable being alone either.  It is being comfortable with where we are at and in our own skin, to where we can and even do this with others. To use a Simon and Garfunkel song title, the Sound of Silence can be a good thing and very healing.  I think what being #familystrong is all about.  We all want to be family when life is good, but when life gets difficult, family sticks around and isn’t afraid to listen, cry, and share truth with us, not matter how difficult it is. 

            My third observation with grief is that we will never be the same.  The loss of a spouse, child, marriage or whatever dream we have held on to will leave a big wound.  One of my favorite sayings is that scars tell cool stories, but in order for those scars to tell stories, we have to let those wounds heal.  Apart of the healing process is realizing that there is going to be a new normal.  Chances are, we are going to look at life from a different perspective and approach relationships differently.  I will be honest, finding a new normal sucks, because it takes work, understanding and a whole lot of grace.  Whether it is a change in life style because of some sort of medical issue, not going to baby showers because it reminds you of the children you can not have, or any other sort of issue.  As much as we wish things would go back to the way they were, I am not sure if that is healthy and here is why.  It is saying that whatever event we went through either did not happen, or that we are avoiding the consequences of said event.  When we avoid or minimize/maximize grief it will get us into trouble real fast.  The new normal might mean that our relationships will change and that we will lose some friends and even gain new ones.  Just don’t be afraid to change.

My fourth observation with grief is something that C.S. Lewis mentioned in his book A Grief Observed.  He draws the correlation between fear and grief.  This got me thinking that how often fear may join grief and how often fear causes panic, questions and even in ability to do things.  When we are grieving, fear often takes us down the road of questioning our relationships, how we do things, the existence of God and His goodness. If we still believe that there is a God, He becomes a thug that does cruel things for His own enjoyment. Fear can also cause us to pull back, lack trust, and become a little darker with our humor and outlook on life.  This form of fear will cause us to become self reliant, jaded and bitter.

            Let me close with this, grief and grieving are apart of life and I think we need to do it well.  I think how we can tell if others and even ourselves will get through this episode or season of grief is where we find our hope.  As the Apostle Paul laid out in the passage I started with, if you are a follower of Jesus, we should not grieve like the world grieves.  This means that we actually have hope for a future and because of Christ work on the cross and His resurrection, things will be made right for eternity with His return. To my knowledge, hope is the only thing that can go toe to toe with grief.  There are days when grief will try and be a destructive force, but our hope in Jesus is the only thing that can get us through the season of grief  For those of you are not followers of Christ, you can have this same hope of eternity with the Creator.  This does not mean that every day will be sunshine and puppies, actually quite the opposite, but God will be there guiding us and leading us through it all.